?

Log in

New livejournal.   
08:17am 17/03/2006
 
mood: accomplished
My username is pissing me off.

So......

I'm now called: 

 saturnbeads!
 
     

( mark of samael)

 
Fear of blood tends to create fear of the flesh   
07:29pm 13/03/2006
 
mood: I need my lover, god dang it!
1. Devon is my world.. sometimes. When he's good to me, he's so so good.
2. I shouldn't think this way; we don't go out. I keep telling myself that.
3. "Live together...?" It seeped out of your mouth gingerly.
4. Waiting another year? You know if I didn't have to I wouldn't.


I miss him.




Your Birthdate: February 16

You're incredibly introverted and introspective. You live inside your head.
You spend a lot of alone time meditating and thinking.
People see you as withdrawn, and at times they are right.
You are caring and deep, but it may be difficult for you to show this side of yourself.

Your strength: Your original approach to thinking

Your weakness: You tend to shy away from others

Your power color: Pale blue

Your power symbol: Wavy line

Your power month: July
 
     

( mark of samael)

 
My best friend = butcher w/ 16 knives   
08:49am 11/03/2006
 
mood: crazy
[url=http://bunnyherolabs.com/adopt/showpet.php?b=bWM9aGVkZ2Vob2cuc3dmJmNscj0weDc3MzFmZSZjbj1vY3RhdmlhbiZhbj1yYXljaGFhbA==][img]http://petimage.bunnyherolabs.com/adopt/petimage/bWM9aGVkZ2Vob2cuc3dmJmNscj0weDc3MzFmZSZjbj1vY3RhdmlhbiZhbj1yYXljaGFhbA==.png[/img][/url]
___________________________
Today is Devon's birthday. Today, Devon's 18. Devon's an adult. My Devon, the unspoken significant other, my comfort from the doldrums, is eighteen. I'm kind of sad. I'll be eighteen soon, and then our teenage cutesy-ness will vanish, and we'll have more difficult questions to ask and more complex answers to retort.
I don't get to go see Devon today, of course. He, his mother, and a few of his close friends are going out to dinner tonight. It's a gathering in honor of Devon, celebrating another year of his existance, giving him all of the attention for once, and I'm not going to fucking be there.
 
     

( mark of samael)

 
She listens to music and she wants revenge! Oh boy, does she want it.   
09:17am 07/03/2006
 
mood: irate
I never really realized how infrequently I post on my livejournal. I'm a busy person nowadays, I suppose. I've got to do a bunch of shit for my english project today... which, on that note, I'm only here at home today because I got fucking suspended, for skipping school. Isn't that a knee-slapper?

Last night was spent talking to Devon, playing Silent Hill 4, and studying History notecards. -sigh- I feel so exhausted. I've got all this shit and all this shit and all this shit and all I want is a fucking nap.



NATURAL BORN KILLERS, baby. That's where it's fucking at. Understand me?
 
     

( mark of samael)

 
I put on my wizard's cap and cast lv3 eroticism.   
12:34pm 17/02/2006
 
mood: i want to get drunk
Aiaiaiaiaiaiaiiiiiiiii!


Sitting in computer lab, next to Felicia!!!! and Tyler fucking Preece :( :( He sucks, he's annoying. He BLABS everything to everyone. I hope he just like.. moves to Kentucky or something. That'd satisfy me.


Devon, my Dad, CT, Cole, and Tyler all called me on my birthday! -dances-

I love the males in my life.
 
     

(4 sightings mark of samael)

 
Today is my Birthday!   
11:35am 16/02/2006
 
mood: Neil Gaiman is my boyfriend.
I am now seventeen.

Now, I am seventeen.

I am seventeen now!

Now, seventeen I am.




Makes me want to rip off my eyelids... and go out to kick a dog.


I watched Mirror-mask! Yay! Neil Gaiman is the greatest guy ever. His comic books, his movies.. not to mention his novels. He's a CREATIVE GENIOUS! -dies-
 
     

(1 sighting mark of samael)

 
Scare's over.   
06:52am 15/02/2006
 
mood: rejoiceful (is that a word?)
Thank GOD! I woke up with a special surprise- I got that "thing" I've been waiting for!


Thank my lucky stars.



w00t w00t got an Angela's Handbag on the forum- Yay.
 
     

( mark of samael)

 
Valentine's Day.   
11:37am 14/02/2006
 
mood: so so alone
So whatever... Today has been bland, unfulfilling. I trans-walked through my first two classes of today, not really connecting with my surroundings and not really interacting with anyone at all. I slept for the first half of gym, laying on the hardwood floor. It was freezing. English was so discouraging... my teacher is a moron. And I was listening to Connie and her dumb friends talking. Her conversations are ridiculous... it seems like everything she talks about is just stupid to me. Like, her favorite color. It used to be pink, but now it's green. Who cares? And what typical color choices.

I'm bitter. -insert long drag of anger here-

I'm at school, sitting in the library doing this shit because Felicia and CT aren't here today and I don't have any lunch so I'm not going to sit in the lunchroom alone with nothing to do...

Time to play on the forum.
 
     

(1 sighting mark of samael)

 
sunset flower for half an hour   
01:38pm 12/02/2006
 
mood: like I just smoked 5 bowlpacks
Whoa. So I'm feeling pretty good right now. I've been up for hours. Since like... 8. So that's good? I guess. But it's not great. I'd rather have slept in until around noon... but those damn school hours make me used to waking up early. I'll just wake up by 9 every morning that I try to sleep in. It's a shame..

Playing Silent Hill 1 because I found out that I can fucking stop Cybil from turning all crazy and shit. And she like, doesn't die. And you get a better ending. A "Good Ending"...

Oh yeah, I've got to go see how you're supposed to save Kaufmann.





(peace out)
 
     

( mark of samael)

 
My birthday!   
11:48am 08/02/2006
 
mood: Sailor Moon!!!!
My birthday is next week, bitches. Finally a new number.

I got my learner's permit, at last.. I only missed one question, and it was a stupid question anyways..


When the hell is Advent Children going to come out? I'm tired of waiting.

New livejournal layout makes me oh-so-happy.

Going to go play God of War. L8tr much!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111!!11one



(well actually, now I'm going to go watch original episodes of Sailor Moon. panty flashes for everybody!)
 
     

( mark of samael)

 
Hungry!   
11:10am 31/01/2006
 
mood: Like my life is over.
Didn't go to school today... first missed day in like a month.. I have been online like all day so far... knocking around.

I'd like to get this out... (and I hope YOU ((you know who you are..Lucifer..)) read it.)

Want to know how I feel about boys??

- CT: There's nothing there... I tried to force it.. but eh. He's a fun guy, very attractive. Bad kisser, though.

- Andrew: I used to have minor feelings, but he became way too serious and attached, and I felt smothered. I don't think I could ever date him again, we're too different. I feel like I'd have to support him, emotionally and socially, and I just can't do that. I can barely take care of myself. He's got alot of maturing to do. It's always that way with boys. One day he'll make some lucky girl a great husband. (Plus.. eww he kissed Emily, and that makes me sick to my stomach. But o/c that's irrelevant to why I won't go out with him now.) I can't have feelings for him.. I don't know why.. It would be easier if I did, I wouldn't have to deal with the guilt trip all of the time. But I can't force these things. I can't. I'm in love. I've been in love the whole time.. I can't help it. Andrew suffocates me. That's the word that keeps popping up into my head. Suffocation. I feel like dating Andrew again would be like laying my head under the guillotine. I mean, at the same time, I kind of like the attention. I'm fat, so no one really ever tells me that I'm pretty or sexy... but Drew likes me, and makes it obvious. But still at the same time I can't stand it, because I feel like I'm leading him on if I even allow innuendos to happen. So that's it, in a nutshell.

(Lucifer, if you read the rest it's gonna upset you. And I'm upset, here... I don't want to have to deal with your anguish as well..)


- Devon: My everything. Typing that brought tears to my eyes. I'm so so desperate for him, sometimes I just feel like if I could just siphon how devoted and loyal to him I am, he'd understand and we'd be together again. I've just like.. always gone out with him.. and not going out with him is incredibly painful. But he's so confusing sometimes.. he tells me how perfect we are for each other... but there is that one specific reason that is too embarrassing to put here into words.. and I just HATE myself for that reason. I'm doing as much as I possibly can now to resolve that.. Honestly, sometimes you can just lay next to someone and just LOVE, it just oozes and feels so warm and so right.. and the touch of the other person can just drive you up the wall.. Devon, my love... I've been with him through the hardest and so far the most important years in my life.. I cheated on him. That makes me just want to die, now.. looking back, I was so stupid. I disgust myself.. How dare I preach about loyalty and devotion when I did some stupid shit like that? He FORGAVE ME, and hope was maintained. Then... he just slowly gave up hope on me... I fell down into depression and he dragged me along at his heels. Finally he just had to undo the chain and get on with his own life, In Richmond. With the beautiful girls. With the cool kids and massive drug scene. With the parties and the party-ers. Without Rachel. Happy just the same. I wish I could be content.. but I miss him so much. Being around him makes me so happy, like something good is happening. I love him. I really do. I thought that I was in love when I was with Aaron, but oh no. No no no. Not like this. I'm a mess.. I'm constantly thinking about him.. I just want him to understand. I want him to stop taking my love for granted and appreciate me. JUST LOVE ME, DEVON! It would be so so wonderful. I'd parade him around like a show-pony. He's not even attractive, I mean his eyes are beautiful and blue, like mine :).. and he's got that kind of asian thing going on, then his hair is soft and thick.. auburn with light brown streaks, natural.. completely natural.. He's got broad shoulders and when I'm wrapped inbetween them, I feel at home. We lost our virginities to each other.. and that's something I just found out like last week, after 4 years of being sort of together I guess... and I just found out. He lied and had told me that he had sex with some girl before he knew me, just to give himself some confidence. But I was thrilled to find out otherwise. Now it means just a little bit more. I want to be the only girl that he ever has sex with. I want to be the girl he buys flowers for. I want to be the girl that he takes out to dinner and on walks. I want to kick that Tram girl's teeth out... and tell her that she's not good enough, and that how is it fair for you to not try at all and get his affection when I work tirelessly for the little bit that I get and I get so tired of trying but I want his love so badly that my fatigue just doesn't matter. I want to look into Devon's eyes and confess every bad thought I've ever had about him, tell him how I tried to play our break up off like it was no big deal, like it was something I expected. I want to live in Richmond and have a life, not shrivel and die in Prince George. I want my life to be a vacation, floating on a cognitive island with Devon, and that's all I'll ever need because I push things out through my mouth and get refilled through my ears. He would be my nourishment.

But honestly, I just want to wake up one day and have him love me.



Platonic Lover by Raymond Roseliep (taken from his book, Love Makes the Air Light)

Though I never rest my hand
on the goldsun of your flesh,
I drain desire from my wish
only when I have wakened;
then I name you plainly friend,
make it clear that my eyes' touch
on your bright mouth is no breach
of the promises I made.

My business runs to handle
affection for its own sake,
and here is my gift of gray:
this matter of icicle
honeycomb, mind you, is like
the certain, erupting day.
 
     

( mark of samael)

 
Revelations.   
09:19am 28/01/2006
 
mood: Haha, periods are funny.
Where is my mind?

Where is my mind?

With Ashten, calm and comfortable.

Hanging out with Ashten is a blessed relief to my aching skull. Other people tend to drain me after a while, whereas when I'm with Ashten I walking away feeling generally better.. both in mood and in spirit. It's got a lot to do with our longevity; we've known each other so long, and we've done so much together, spent so much time with each other.. It's good to see her again. She's my Best friend. I love Ashten like no one else.

Capitalization has been bothering me... it's too uniform. In German, all nouns are capitalized. The fact that some words get higher recognition is odd. They all convey to the message. Words are little tributaries to the sentence lake.

I get to see Devon today. I'm glad that my boyfriend broke up with me.

Oh yeah, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said that he didn't like me as his significant other any longer. But that's okay, I'm not upset at all. I wasn't really that into him, I think I was kind of trying to force it. But thats okay, I'm completely neutral. It really hasn't affected me at all.

But Devon has. He's helped me so much in this past week, talking to him has transformed me, in terrific ways. I'm a monumentally different person on this morning then I have been during mornings prior to. I'm going to spend the day with him in Richmond today, I must admit that I'm thrilled. I haven't seen him in some time, some long time, and when I finally do it's just going to be fucking awesome. I've gotta say, I really do miss him.

So I'm (finally) getting my learner's permit on Tuesday... nine months, babies.. nine months.

And that is a good thing indeed.
 
     

(2 sightings mark of samael)

 
Friday the 13th   
11:40am 13/01/2006
 
mood: discontent
I've come to the conclusion that my ex-boyfriend has problems. Like serious mental problems, the kind that aren't funny, the kind that would make teenagers who joke about being depressed and crazy shiver in their boots. He called me to tell me that he took some asian chick out to dinner twice or some shit, because that's the kind of stuff I like to hear. Honestly, I kind of think he's lying, I think that he may have heard about CT from Kyle, and he's probably jealous. But whatever, he can go to hell if all he wants to do is keep scratching his name into my heart. I'm tired of having to worry about him, I'm sick of thinking about what could have and would have been. But just for the record, if he's NOT lying about that chick, then listen to this shit: We went out for 3 1/2 years. Not chump change, you know? How many times did he take me out to dinner? 0. Zeeee-ro. Not once. I've never sat in a restaurant across from him, there were never any candlelit evenings of laughing and cordiality.
Fuck that. I'm tired of looking back. I'm not going to. He told me to call him. Maybe I will, one day. I doubt it. I doubt it very seriously. I can't keep doing that to myself. Every time I get off of the phone with him I'm crying and miserable, and I just don't want that anymore.
I have a new boyfriend and he's beautiful. God is he beautiful. His eyes are round and bright, sometimes half-lidded due to sleepless nights. His hair... is in braids.. which isn't my favorite type of style but he looks good with them.. it's longer than mine, and brown. Brown-blonde, that indistinctive color that makes you wonder what color he'd say that it is. His body is slim and smooth, curving out and slanting in all the right places. His hands are broad, the span of his knuckles amazes me. Seriously, he has giant hands and feet. (We call it a "disease that makes all his body parts huge") I'm not that fond of the way that he kisses, though. It's soft, and gentle, and he doesn't really control his tongue the way he should. It's almost like he forgets about his lips sometimes and then controls his tongue oddly, like a finger exploring my mouth.





Drew doesn't understand. I can't compromise myself or my relationship to cater to him, I refuse. As good as he's been to me, I can't help but resent him sometimes because he just causes problems sometimes.. Like what am I supposed to tell my boyfriend? "Uhh.. no.. I can't kiss you because of this guy..." Come on now. That's ridiculous.


And goddamnit I am still at school.... 2 1/2 more hours left... >_
 
     

(2 sightings mark of samael)

 
I hate school   
11:51am 05/01/2006
 
mood: happy
So anyways I have this boyfriend now, he's pretty nice. I like him when he speaks and stuff, so it's all good. But stifling the Devon out of me was kind of hard, but I can't keep on looking back at it like it's some kind of loss, because I mean it's not as though I'm in my forties and there's no hope of procreation. I'll get over it and move on. So I guess the harsh reality of it is that love isn't permanent, the way that I thought it was. I always thought that once in love, it was sealed. It was over and done with. The chase was off. It's alright though, my boyfriend is gorgeous.
So his name is Chris, as in Christopher, but he's known as CT.

pros-

he's gorgeous
big ol' blue eyes, like mine
sexy little body


cons-
he just turned 15, like in August. (we'll pretend that i'm not 17)
 
     

(1 sighting mark of samael)

 
I want to date one of those chicks in a rap video.   
09:49am 15/11/2005
  Ah, I'm really bored. I should be getting a computer for christmas, my mom hasn't really told me anything definite yet, but hopefully I will get it.
If I don't, I'm seriously going to be really upset. I want my own computer so badly, and this computer that my parents have is so nice, I feel like if they could afford to get this nice of a computer than they could dish out the like 400 bucks for a shitty computer for me. Hey, at least it would work.

Well.. I watched Resevoir Dogs and Party Monster this morning. I fell asleep at like.. 11 or so, and slept only until noon, but I feel pretty wired now. I got like 10 hours of sleep last night.
 
     

(1 sighting mark of samael)

 
I don't believe in a cut! Flood other people's pages, that's what I say.   
05:57am 11/11/2005
 
mood: high
You Are 18 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.


Your French Name is:

Adora Philippe




You Are Creepy



Serial killers would run away from you in a flash.



Your 1920's Name is:

Birdie Tillie
 
     

( mark of samael)

 
AHHHHHHHHH SHUT THE HELL UP!   
06:49am 18/10/2005
 
mood: discontent
Blah blah, I'm bored and discontent. Constant restlessness is always plaguing me nowadays. I was thinking about becoming a journalist. I'd love to sit behind a desk in a cute little office with pictures of my dogs and not of my children adorning the walls. I'd have sheer curtains, so that way the light would still come in. I could write reports on all of the most controversial issues, and make some decent money.

I AM UNABLE TO CONNECT WITH ANYONE OR ANYTHING AND IT IS DRIVING ME INSANE.

Now my mom says the only way I get a computer is if I make honor role. Yeah, right. I keep missing days, due to BULLSHIT. Like, this morning, I was ready for school and actually pretty cheerful after a cigarette and a cup of coffee. I walked to the bus stop (god don't ask why I've got to ride the bus now), and the bus was pulling away from my bus stop as I approached. The woman saw me and KEPT MOVING. I waved my arms helplessly, not about to run after it. I called some people when I got back here, I was PISSED. I couldn't get ahold of anyone who could give me a ride. So I called my mother and she was dissapointed in me. She thinks that I'm here on purpose. I just want to shake her and tell her that I'm responsible. And that I always have the best intentions.

I'm watching Golden Girls. Slapstick.. priceless. Lifetime sucks, Golden Girls is it's sole redeeming feature.

>Rachel
 
     

( mark of samael)

 
I'm depressed.   
06:12am 17/10/2005
 
mood: creative
I think that I'm going to be a failure in society when I get older. I'm going to be the awkward adult, who tries to act like they fit in with the young crowd, forgetting the actions of the adults I know now. I probably won't be very social. Since I don't see myself getting into college, even though I have the want, I don't know if I've got the determination, or will power.

School sucks beyond belief. I stayed home today. Not much else to add to that. Why do I get up and get ready in the morning, just to decide "Hey, fuck it." after my mom leaves? Well, not anymore. I'm going to school tomorrow and for the next few days after that.

So there.

Plus, I'm trying to fix my layout to something a little... cooler. And in honor of Halloween, I'm going to make it somehow affiliated with Silent Hill. I think I'll use the fourth one, but I don't know what kind of image I'm going to use. It'd be sweet if I could find a huge screenshot of the scene in the hospital with the giant freaky head room. Mm..

Well, going to go Google it.
 
     

(3 sightings mark of samael)

 
Hot potatoes, he shot me in the leg.   
12:47pm 16/10/2005
 
mood: dorky
I started playing FFX-2 last night, and here are my thoughts so far:

-lame characters, like FFX
-beautiful graphics, like FFX
-reminds me of Charlie's Angels, if they were japanese
-lots of thong shots and titty shakes
-nice battle system

That's all.
 
     

( mark of samael)

 
Halloween.   
12:38pm 14/10/2005
 
mood: stressed
I've got the first season of ATHF, FINALLY!! After all this waiting and postponing of getting it, I finally got it. And I didn't even have to pay for it. I'm so happy. I've watched it like 15 times now.

Carlotta (that's my kitten) is doing so well! I just love her to death. She's so adorable. I drew some sketches of her while she was asleep, flipped over on her back. I weighed her last night.. 3 1/2lbs. So little!

Well, school sucks, I've got to ride the goddamn bus now for reasons undisclosed. Ugh, there is nothing that sucks more than to be tired and hungover on a bus full of idiots. I hate the kids that ride my bus, and I don't have any longing to develop better relationships with any of them. Thanks, but no thanks.

Blaaaaa someone needs to seriously shoot me in the head. Right now.
 
     

( mark of samael)